The Most Damaging Holiday Tradition: Parental Warfare
Every year around November, we start hearing the same anxious refrain from parents recently divorced or going through a divorce: “I just want the holidays to be normal for my kids.” It’s a totally fair wish, but here’s the truth most parents don’t hear often enough: It isn’t the divorce that disrupts a child’s holiday . . . it’s the conflict. Kids don’t crumble because their parents live in two homes. They crumble when they’re forced to live between two battlegrounds. The good news? You can’t control the other parent, but you can control the environment your children experience. Here are real-world strategies we share with parents who want to protect their children from conflict and preserve the joy of the season, even after or in the middle of a divorce.
1. Plan Early and Stick to the Plan
Nothing creates conflict faster than last-minute scrambling. By November, parents should already know, exchange times; transportation arrangements; and any agreed variations from the Parenting Plan. When plans aren’t clear, conflict will quickly fill the gaps. When expectations are set early, everyone knows what to expect, including the kids. Once the plan is set, stick to it. The fastest way to tank holiday cooperation is one parent deciding on December 23rd that they suddenly want to “switch things around.” Children do not appreciate that. Neither do Courts.
2. Your Children Aren’t Your Therapist
Holidays amplify feelings. Nostalgia, loneliness, guilt, anxiety, financial strain and those emotions are real, and we certainly not here to tell you that you should not feel that way. . . but those emotions belong to you, not your children. Kids should not hear: “I’m going to be so sad without you;” “I hope you miss me;.” or “Your [mom / dad] ruined Christmas by taking you on the wrong day.” Children will naturally feel torn. Do not make that weight heavier. A healthier message sounds like this: “You’re going to have a great time, and I can’t wait to hear all about it.” It gives your child permission to enjoy the holiday with the other parent—without guilt or the weight of your negative emotions.
3. Check Your Ego & Remember the Long Game
In 10 years, your child will not remember who had them at 4:30 p.m. versus 6:00 p.m. They will remember whether the holidays felt tense; whether they were made to feel guilty; whether they felt loved in both homes; and whether they could enjoy both parents during the holidays without fear Divorced families absolutely can have beautiful, meaningful, normal holidays. Divorce doesn’t determine a child’s future. Parental behavior does.
4. Your Children Deserve Better Than Your Passive-Aggressive Social Media Post
It takes one snarky post to ignite a month long firestorm. Holiday season rule of thumb: If it’s passive aggressive, don’t. If it’s clearly aimed at the other parent, absolutely don’t. Screenshots live forever, and you can almost guarantee it will become Exhibit “A”. Most importantly, social media posts poison co-parenting relationships at the exact moment kids need stability.
5. Do Not Use the Kids as Messengers. . . Ever
If a parent asks, “Tell your [mom / dad] I need to pick you up early,” the child hears something entirely different: “I am responsible for fixing my parents’ conflict.” That is emotionally damaging and completely avoidable. Use text, email, or co-parenting apps. . . heck, use smoke signals if it means you are not putting your child in the middle.
Final Thought
At the end of the day, you can tell yourself you’re “fighting for your rights” or “protecting your time,” but your kids don’t care about your justifications. They care about the atmosphere you create. Years from now, they won’t remember the pickup time you argued over, they’ll remember the knot in their stomach every time the holidays rolled around because you and the other parent couldn’t act like adults. So here’s the blunt truth: If you choose conflict, if you insist on scoring points, if you turn the holidays into a tug-of-war, you are the problem. Not the divorce. Not the schedule. You.
Your children deserve better than being collateral damage in your holiday ego battle. Choose peace, even if the other parent won’t. Rise above the nonsense. Be the steady one because one day, your kids will be old enough to see exactly who protected their peace . . . and who ruined it.
If you need help structuring a holiday parenting plan, enforcing one, or reducing conflict, our firm is here to help your family find a path forward that protects what matters most - your children.